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pink___tarantulas
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Name: Oink
Country: Canada
Gender: Female
Interests: drawing, doodling, silk screening my own t-shirts ,making things, not eating, obssessing about not eating, excersising, musica, throwing french words around, stripes, drinking water, bingeing on AIR (haha) reading reading etc
Expertise: Turning good people into bad people, weighing myself over and over and over and over again...
Occupation: Artist
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
9/8/2005
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| So its Tuesday and I woke up this morning and was watching TV and remembered that i missed intervention yesterday and it was one i really wanted to watch, it was about these two anorexic twins. So i watched it this morning on the computer. not the best idea. SO triggering. It's actually quite disgusting i was watching it and the family was so hurt and helpless watching their daughters destroy each other and themselves. all i could see was them and how wonderfully thin they were. It was like a wave of insecurity about myself. All of a sudden i started planning what i was gonna do. the eating plan the exercise plan. I have an obsession with planning and cleaning. keeping track of things, keeping records, setting goals. Basically i was created to have a relationship with an eating disorder. The way it ironically gives purpose to life. You can never escape from it. It is too easy to be triggered. I guess it is learning not to take it further than that. But why not? it gives me something to do, something to focus on, keep track of, monitor, like a little pet project. So now I am sitting here contemplating my day and how excited I am to have a goal to accomplish. I need to get to 110 thats all i can think about.
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| Well all of a sudden (after a year) i have started to receive friend requests again so i guess that means i should update more... so I'm doing good my weight has been pretty much hovering between 116 and 119 but I've been really to busy to care. I'm comfortable with it you know. I guess i just don't eat much. like i need to remind myself to eat. so i suppose that's fine I'm not the over obsessed crazy women i once was. I suppose being poor and not drinking everyday anymore helps as well. My boyfriend just recorded songs with his band for this local contest at a radio station. I think you should all check it out ( www.myspace.com/igwithers ) hmm well i don't really have much else to say as of yet. but i will for sure be updating more if anyone cares to know... so check you all later!
xoxo
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|  YO YO so I'm at home alone don't have a job so here i am just hanging out cleaning obsessively, listening to music, really really bored. But anyways I'm good nothings really new same old same old. Stressing about not being able to find a job. My boyfriend is working right now... at least someone is making money right. If i would have known this dumb "recession" bs was gonna happen i would have gotten a job months ago but i figured that taking a few months to just take it easy wouldn't kill me. I was painting with ben (my bf) for most of the time and because he needed me to help him i wasn't too worried. Than all this recession stuff came on and now he's even struggling to get work. So i got cut and now i am here. Unemployed and unhappy. Anyways besides the fact that i am so broke right now that i can't go anywhere because i can't put gas in the car, i am ok. The other day i went out with one of my good fiends who lives in Vancouver and we went to go visit my other friend who has her own clothing boutique, whom i haven't seen in about a year. She didn't even recognize me. She was like "you are SOOOOOOOO skinny" i know, it was awkward. I have lost about 35 pounds since i saw her but the awkwardness never goes away. So anyways my point is that i have had weight problems forever now it seems. The thing that i can't stand is how people find it so necessary to point it out. My parents, my boyfriends parents, people i know you know. Trust me i am past the point of caring what people think. I've been in the hospital for eating issues, i've got my attention. As sad as it sounds i actually wanted all of that back than. Now i could care less. The ONLY thing that gets me, and it gets me that it gets me (?) is the other things people say. For example, my boyfriends dad thinks i'm too skinny but the other day he asked me how much i weigh and i'm like "oh the same..." and he says "whats the same" i'm like "120 lbs" hes like no way you weigh less than that. This bugged me so much i am 5 feet 9 and a half inches. yet everyone thinks i should be less, like waaaay less. It's such a warped phenonmenom. Than about 2 weeks ago, lets say a "friend" was over with her boyfriend hanging out and she went to the washroom and i guess she weighed herself there and when she came back out she was like "omg is your scale right i gained like 10 lbs!" whatever no big deal she asks me if the scales accurate " i'm like yah that scales accurate" so she BRINGS the scale out in front of everyone and everyone starts weighing themselves. I am mortified!!! this is nuts!!! i just go along with it like everyone else and just kind of hope i can get away with being an onlooker as a pose to a partaker. whatever. anyways doesn't work i end up weighing myself in front of everyone due to everyone telling me that if the scales accurate i have to prove it, because i "use it" so whatever i'm like "yep it's accurate, i weigh 120lbs. AND my "friend" is like "wow YOU weigh 120 lbs" now the thing is the way she said it made me wonder if she was shocked that i weigh 4 lbs more than her (she is 5"3) or she is shocked that i weigh that much looking the way i do. I know this sounds so irrelevent and menial but the truth is the way people react to my weight vs. my physique makes me wonder. Do they think i weigh less than that? does my weight provoke people to think that i am a healthy weight? am i? like it is so confusing people will say i am skinny and than when i tell them my weight they are like oh really? like no biggie. Now i don't want people to think that i wear my weight on my shirt or anything i don't really scream it out ot the world just in these certain situations i noticed that it bugs me. I know it is an insecure way of thinking and i am very much past it but it just makes me feel like i should work to bring my weight down, just solely the number. It is so weird. I feel way more mature than that, you know what i mean. I guess i just can't over disordered thinking? who knows
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|  so i've been struggling lately with everything . i mean life. not eating is how i cope with things so that has been \good i've lost about 30lbs in the last month or so kind of by trying kind of not. i'm kind of a veteran with this whole thing. i've been to recovery (1 month of inpatient 6 months of out and while i jested with them i knew it was never really gone) so i gained the weight and really kind of just lived life as normal as i could my boyfriend knows everything and i've known him for 5 years now so he has seen me before during and after but he likes skinny but not "trying to be skinny" so eventually leading to where i am now i just started to cut back i reinvested time into not eating so it didn't seem like a big deal. I'm so used to not eating things and feeling guilty and weighing myself everyday that I (and he) have just accepted it as normal. But lately i have just been craving people to talk to. not like people i work with or my friends or family just people that can relate. I'm no longer in that stage of my life where i am die hard pro because that to me is just ty hard and embarassing. I just want people to talk to that can just accept the way i am and can talk to me about things that other people would think were weird or problematic. i've just finally realized that there is no way i can be what is called "normal" this IS my normal. I'm still alive right? i not addicted to drugs anymore. i do drink though. MAgically i can consume alcohol, which somehow quells my appetite and never gain only lose. Its kind of a sad "meeting in the middle thing" I work at a pub so its not a big deal to anyone. caesars (for you americans who haven't adapted this luxury its like a bloody mary but with something called clamato juice which is basically a watery tomato liquid and tonnes of spices. DEliscioso! )anyways here they are always acceptable almost like the cool thing to drink. but whatever enough on that. i just wanted to say that i'm pretty much back so let me know if you wanna talk or whatever i'm just feeling a little bit lonely | | |
| i just spent 2o mins talking about the joys of diet drinks when it was deleted never to be found. The world is against me. maybe if i can muster up the strength to type a paragraph again i shall. eff this sucks. i am pouting. hows the world of everyone? 
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